What is Written on My Heart

No one wants the call from the doctor that the biopsy shows cancer. I go that call in October, but it was softened by the fact that this was skin cancer and likely completely treatable. Since the margins were not cleared, I was sent to a specialist to finish the job. Nothing to worry about.

But I did worry, and wonder. What did it mean that I had cancer on the skin over my heart? When I went in for the surgery, the physician drew a large, eye-shaped mark on my sternum. Then he cut and stitched. I wish I had not been fully awake for this, especially since his assistance did not do a particularly thorough job with the local anesthesia. I made it through, with my mom close at hand providing support.

A week later the doctor’s assistant called, and I knew before she said it that the margins had been cleared this time. If the situation had been otherwise, I expect the doctor would have made that call.

So now I have a still-healing, still-bruised and stitched scar over my heart. What does a meaning-making machine like myself do with this, every time I see it in the mirror?

There are three perspectives one can take here:

1.      I was carrying a significant amount of bitterness in my heart, which physically manifested into cancer. Honestly, I have carried anger and bitterness with me for quite some time about failed relationships that made me feel manipulated and used. With the cancer gone, maybe it’s time to let that negativity go, for my own health.

2.      I’m simply getting older, and my body is slowly wearing out. My immune system is not what it used to be, and frankly, I’ve spent a lot of time outdoors in the sun. Natural consequences to a natural process. No meaning, magic, or mysticism. Maybe? Maybe not. I’m a spiritual thinker, it can not be that simple.

3.      My supervisor was providing support and comfort several days after the surgery. I was honest with her concerning my feelings about the scar over my heart. She replied, “God has written on your heart!” This could be a reference to Romans 2:15, which states that God’s laws are written on our hearts. The Law of Love, which is the commandment to love the Divine, neighbors, and oneself is the ultimate and final law, as described in the Gospels of Mark and Matthew. Perhaps, this is it.

I choose to see this scar as a reminder to love, receive love, and trust love.

If God wrote something on your heart, what would it say?